help }{ poem thingy

[forgottenshadow]

Hi. I write a little bit, but i'm bad at it as far as i'm concerned. They're only small but here are a couple of things i've written. Can you help and tell me how to improve?

Look at her and turn away. Her face unbearable. Can’t stand another second staring into her burning eyes. Alone, she dies inside herself, unable to forget. It hurts her so much to hold onto it but she wont even consider letting go. With no reason to live comes no reason to eat so she starves herself into a disorder. Can’t escape. Wont escape. Fade away to nothing.
Is it what she really wants?

Everything you touch begins to fade, crawling away from you. Can’t handle your problems so they walk away, leaving you to die inside, everything you held so close will slowly slip away, until you’re lost, left with nothing. You cant say you’re too afraid to loose them, because they’re already gone.

The pain in you is steadily growing bigger everyday. Like a thousand burning knives stabbing you on the inside. Within your mind you hide alone in your darkened world that you created for yourself. You’re weak and pathetic with no friends. You build yourself a lie within your head and there you’ll stay Eternally. Dark and hollow, you will not escape your fate. Alone and cold, you die.

Those are all pretty much based on me and how i feel. this next one is something i wrote for my boyfriend. i love him so much

I can’t loose you. You can’t fade away. I need you here with me. I’m only happy when I’m with you. You sooth my heart and steal my pain. You’re there for every step I take, and give me each and every breath. I fall to pieces in your hands, but something about you puts me together again. You’re my everything, my reason for life. I love you.

Ok. sorry to bore you. do you know how i can improve?

[Graveyard Goddess]

Lovely writing! I read through it all and loved it! I only gave you a few ideas on the first paragraph as to model for the rest of your writing. I dont know who this is intendend for. If you are writing for YOURSELF then the things I wrote dont matter and its perfectly fine without. I suggest a bit more discription, subtley. Also there are some parts that could flow a bit better [ i think this may be due to your seemingly excessive starting of sentences with "Cant", which is okay; but it appears to make sentences rather fragmented. I dont know if that is what you are wanting...Anyhow; you are a good writer! I hope I helped....keep it up chicky!

Look at her and turn away. Her face unbearable[for she] can’t stand another second [if it means] staring into her burning eyes. Alone, she dies inside herself, unable to forget.[eleborate after this sentence starting with Alone] It hurts her so much to hold onto it but she wont even consider letting go. With no reason to live comes no reason to eat so she starves herself into a disorder. Can’t escape. Wont escape. Fade away to nothing.
Is it what she really wants?

Everything you touch begins to fade, crawling away from you. Can’t handle your problems so they walk away, leaving you to die inside, everything you held so close will slowly slip away, until you’re lost, left with nothing. You cant say you’re too afraid to loose them, because they’re already gone.

The pain in you is steadily growing bigger everyday. Like a thousand burning knives stabbing you on the inside. Within your mind you hide alone in your darkened world that you created for yourself. You’re weak and pathetic with no friends. You build yourself a lie within your head and there you’ll stay Eternally. Dark and hollow, you will not escape your fate. Alone and cold, you die.


I can’t loose you. You can’t fade away. I need you here with me. I’m only happy when I’m with you. You sooth my heart and steal my pain. You’re there for every step I take, and give me each and every breath. I fall to pieces in your hands, but something about you puts me together again. You’re my everything, my reason for life. I love you.

[forgottenshadow]

Thank you so much. I'll look into that more now. I've been trying to find someone to tell me whats wrong with it but no one would. It's so annoying. I'll keep in mind what you've said and write some more. Hopefully, I can improve. So once again thank you so much. Oh and keep up with your writing. I love it!

[Graveyard Goddess]

Thanks love! I know its rather annoying not getting critisism on writing when you want it! Sometimes youve got to just critisise in a nice way...its much more productive than saying "lovely i wouldnt change anything!"....of course unless it was perfection on a paper...which nothing is!
good writing. id love to see more sometimes

[forgottenshadow]

I usually write things about myself, or about people around me. But I write them as though I'm someone else. I don't like to make that obvious. But no matter what I write about, I'd like to improve. It's not that good, and not very interesting, but that's what I want to change. I'm planning on writing some actually poems some time soon, long ones, that rhyme and stuff, but I don't know when I'll do it. I haven't done things like that for a while.

I've read a fair few of yours lately and the more I read the more I love it. If it's not personal, I'd like to know where you get your ideas. Not to do the same, but to see how you're so good. It's so beautiful, I could only ever dream or writing like that. Keep going!

[Graveyard Goddess]

forgottenshadow said:

It's not that good, and not very interesting, but that's what I want to change.[ nah chicky it is too good and interesting!]

I'm planning on writing some actually poems some time soon, long ones, that rhyme and stuff, but I don't know when I'll do it. I haven't done things like that for a while. [Sometimes its easier to start off wif poems that dont rhyme. i say this becuase you can just write what ever rather than questioning "uh what rhymes with..." ect. Also Ive noticed that unless you pull off the rhyming so the poem is still discriptive and such publishers usually dont read them close and then dont like them. i dont know if thats relevant, but you write whatever it is you desire to write!]

I've read a fair few of yours lately and the more I read the more I love it. [ ] If it's not personal, I'd like to know where you get your ideas. Not to do the same, but to see how you're so good. It's so beautiful, I could only ever dream or writing like that. Keep going!
[Thank you verrry much im too flattered! If you want to know a secret about how i write...
You must know there is infact a method to my madness!]

read this maybe it will help you understand. This poem is a poem I wrote a while back...Read it through my eyes and tell me what you see. if it makes any sense or if it doesnt. once you reply with that I will give you some other good tricks and ideas

The Black Rainbow

The air is gray today.
I don’t care what they tell me
How bright and full of life
Their consumption is.
Their rainbow dyed world
Is purely aesthetic—nothing more.
For they have never
Felt, tasted, or heard,
Those colors in which they speak of.

My footsteps are mangled,
Twisted in confusion,
Of a funhouse mirror
Where no matter how one turns,
They will be nothing but a twisted child.
Distortion, is the real world.

Theirs is artificial.
These wanderers in the rainbow world
Have never painted a canvas with love
Will never take the most lively spring day
Made with the absence of shade
And hear the song it sings.

They have never seen the mirror.
Closed their eyes as the electricity flowed
When the purple was saccharine,
And the vibrant reds tasted like gold
Or feel the warmth and comfort
Of the invisible.

The colors they will never learn to taste,
The sounds they will never learn to feel
Embraced the fuzzy lights or the flying whips of color.
The magnets in the air that draw a soul in
To yet another canto which is written in the wind.