rewriten an old poem

[crazystrange]

lol i decided to rewrite an old poem of mine as i felt it could be better

old version:
Two Blue Eyes.

Two blue eyes
Staring back at me
If you looked at them
what would you see?

Would they look happy?
Would they look sad?
Would they look angry?
Would they look mad?

Two blue eyes
Are blinking back tears
And inside my head
I’m fighting my fears

Could you see the pain
My eyes try to hide?
And each time you asked
Did you know that I lied?

Without being told
You never would know
Just how much your family
Is feeling so low

Two blue eyes
Staring back at me
Now you look at them,
Tell me what do you see?

Do you see the pain
My eyes try to conceal?
Or at the end of the day
Is it not part of the deal?

Of course you can’t
You never do.
A loving happy family,
That’s all we are to you.


New version:
Reflections

Two brown eyes
Staring back at me
If you looked into them
What would you see?

Would they look happy?
Would they look sad?
Would they look angry?
Would they look mad?

Two brown eyes
Are blinking back tears
And inside my head
I’m fighting my fears

Can you see the pain
My eyes try and hide?
Each time you’ve asked
You don’t know that I’ve lied

Without being told
You will never know
Just why your daughter
Is feeling so low

Two brown eyes
Are bloodshot and dull
The questions without answers
Reside inside my skull

Time’s up, dad
Your girl’s all grown
Tall and defiant
She’s spread her wings and flown

[foblin]

great work. definately better in the re -written version =]

[crazystrange]

thankyou *huggles* i was never really happy about that first version, i'm happier with the rewrite but i still feel like something is missing. i dunno.

[lanaia74]

Did not read this the first time but this is totally AWESOME!

[crazystrange]

lol thanks