Post by Graveyard Goddess on Jun 7, 2005 16:30:05 GMT -5
I know that I am by nature a door-mat. I also am aware that saying “it’s by nature” is just an excuse because I don’t have it in me to change. , I wish it was easy for me to not let things get to me; or to just integrate with other people. I do try to an extent, but only getting half of it down since I show my emotions really easily but will deny it if anyone was to ask. I’ve got a verrry Indiscriminate trust of others. If someone is nice to me I want to pour my heart out to them….which I don’t because like you said that wouldn’t be a good idea lol. I think this sort of thing happens because there aren’t too many nice people in this world and when one comes along I feel like I trust them…Sometimes without even knowing them. Its so random though. I don’t trust lots of people.
I’m thinking about how easy it would be for my mom to grab the knife shes chopping vegetables with and chop me up with them...or how my neuro-fucking tosser tosser tosser dude always asks my mom to leave the room and he gets up and shuts the door and stares at me in a weird way and doesn’t say anything and he could easily kill me or rape me.
Very easily. Anyone could actually..... because I don’t fight and I know I don’t and that’s my problem. Now that is not normal! In all honesty I've got excessive kindness and generosity, but its to detriment of self-interes….and an inability to stand up to others and fight back ;thus I am easily taken advantage of and fearful of people. But I am taken advantage of all the time and I know it, but I want people to like me so I don’t care too much which my counselor says sets me up for being in abusive relationships in the future, but I don’t know if that’s true or not.
See,I spent a lot of time yesterday convinced I have a personality disorder called APvD. After doing loads of research on it, I realized there was no quality in that disorder that wasn’t one ive got. See; they say if I had this personality disorder; Id be be totally preoccupied with my self definition; I'd be cynical and pessimistic, defective, unable to fit in with other people; Id be being unlikable, and completely inadequate. Everyone will reject me, because the whole world is secretly plotting against me! That isn’t what they say honestly, but its what they say a person with apvd will think.
Think; socially inept and inferior or how about what this book says; "personally unappealing and interpersonally inadequate. They describe themselves as ill at ease, anxious, and sad. They are lonely and isolated." that is me a lot yes? I know I shouldn’t be happy about this, but you see-these articles aren’t plotting against me...they are simply agreeing with me!
Individuals with AvPD are introspective and self-conscious. (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 263). For individuals with AvPD, their deflated self-image references their entire being.
They've got a tendency to live in the past or in fantasy, just like I do -- they receive too little input from the here and now. This diminished ability to pay attention results in mild memory disturbances. This is so me….I forget and lose everything! I don’t even remember what day today is or what I did yesterday. It takes me 20 minutes to remember how my day was before I can talk to my therapist about it! I am constantly distracted by my own sensitivity to subtleties of tone and feeling; since im all hyper alert to the meaning of emotive communication. You know this. Im super in touch with feeling and stuff like that. I cry at movies out of feeling for the characters! Im such a twad. Its distracting at times to listen to someone and hear their voice and wonder how they think of you and then sometimes perceive it the wrong way you know? My thought processes are almost always interfered with, by a flooding of irrelevant environmental details .This is just like people with apvd according to some stupid doctor (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 263). " I’ve got no close friends, hypersensitivity to criticism ,I avoids people out of fear, I have total reticence, I’m overly self-conscious , And I avoids tasks with social demands yet I long for them all the same!
Still my school guidance counselor says I cant be diagnosed until im 18 because 15 years isn’t enough to identify a personality disorder from normal everyday teenage shit. I see her point, but by the time I am 18 I will say fuck you doctors and pills im leaving for the best medication possible so nurge to all you fix-it-fuck-ups!I sort of wish I could be intimidating, but I get intimidated by everything and everyone knows it! Such as my fear of police officers…. even those good Samaritan police people. I have always been scared of police....no one can ever be that person who will save you when your lost when they have a gun on their belt or when they could secretly be some serial killer or child molestor pretending to be a police man who. society says are all trust worthy and yadahyadahyadah and then all the sudden BOOM you are all gone...and the police dude goes to find a new victim.
You are a very intelligent and rational person. Were you at my age? I am over plagued with my Chronic negative affects to think positively and rationally… all this goes through my mind, such as anxiety, fearfulness, tension, irritability, anger, dejection, hopelessness, guilt, shame;, unrealistic expectations, demands on self, unwarranted pessimism; unfounded somatic concerns; helplessness and dependence on others for emotional support and decision making. Im avoidant but so super dependent that I knowfor a fact 100% without a doubt that if say you weren’t here that I wouldn’t be either…or If I was I would be so terribly lost and maybe half dead.
About the imagination…That’s me….a total pPreoccupation with fantasy and daydreaming; lack of practicality; eccentric thinking not to mention my susceptibility to nightmares. This is odd because all of these wonderfully negative things which describe me are also which describe people with that disorder, but if I do say so myself…they are much more interesting on me *wink*
I have had such a horrible day today. I cant keep from crying. I actually felt bad for my guidence counselor...I went to her practically the whole day to cry about the same thing. I realize that I dont like this change of not being in school becuase that leaves me more time to think...and thinking gets depressing because i spend so much time alone i get tired of myself, but im too scared and listless to go out.
*sigh*
I’m thinking about how easy it would be for my mom to grab the knife shes chopping vegetables with and chop me up with them...or how my neuro-fucking tosser tosser tosser dude always asks my mom to leave the room and he gets up and shuts the door and stares at me in a weird way and doesn’t say anything and he could easily kill me or rape me.
Very easily. Anyone could actually..... because I don’t fight and I know I don’t and that’s my problem. Now that is not normal! In all honesty I've got excessive kindness and generosity, but its to detriment of self-interes….and an inability to stand up to others and fight back ;thus I am easily taken advantage of and fearful of people. But I am taken advantage of all the time and I know it, but I want people to like me so I don’t care too much which my counselor says sets me up for being in abusive relationships in the future, but I don’t know if that’s true or not.
See,I spent a lot of time yesterday convinced I have a personality disorder called APvD. After doing loads of research on it, I realized there was no quality in that disorder that wasn’t one ive got. See; they say if I had this personality disorder; Id be be totally preoccupied with my self definition; I'd be cynical and pessimistic, defective, unable to fit in with other people; Id be being unlikable, and completely inadequate. Everyone will reject me, because the whole world is secretly plotting against me! That isn’t what they say honestly, but its what they say a person with apvd will think.
Think; socially inept and inferior or how about what this book says; "personally unappealing and interpersonally inadequate. They describe themselves as ill at ease, anxious, and sad. They are lonely and isolated." that is me a lot yes? I know I shouldn’t be happy about this, but you see-these articles aren’t plotting against me...they are simply agreeing with me!
Individuals with AvPD are introspective and self-conscious. (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 263). For individuals with AvPD, their deflated self-image references their entire being.
They've got a tendency to live in the past or in fantasy, just like I do -- they receive too little input from the here and now. This diminished ability to pay attention results in mild memory disturbances. This is so me….I forget and lose everything! I don’t even remember what day today is or what I did yesterday. It takes me 20 minutes to remember how my day was before I can talk to my therapist about it! I am constantly distracted by my own sensitivity to subtleties of tone and feeling; since im all hyper alert to the meaning of emotive communication. You know this. Im super in touch with feeling and stuff like that. I cry at movies out of feeling for the characters! Im such a twad. Its distracting at times to listen to someone and hear their voice and wonder how they think of you and then sometimes perceive it the wrong way you know? My thought processes are almost always interfered with, by a flooding of irrelevant environmental details .This is just like people with apvd according to some stupid doctor (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 263). " I’ve got no close friends, hypersensitivity to criticism ,I avoids people out of fear, I have total reticence, I’m overly self-conscious , And I avoids tasks with social demands yet I long for them all the same!
Still my school guidance counselor says I cant be diagnosed until im 18 because 15 years isn’t enough to identify a personality disorder from normal everyday teenage shit. I see her point, but by the time I am 18 I will say fuck you doctors and pills im leaving for the best medication possible so nurge to all you fix-it-fuck-ups!I sort of wish I could be intimidating, but I get intimidated by everything and everyone knows it! Such as my fear of police officers…. even those good Samaritan police people. I have always been scared of police....no one can ever be that person who will save you when your lost when they have a gun on their belt or when they could secretly be some serial killer or child molestor pretending to be a police man who. society says are all trust worthy and yadahyadahyadah and then all the sudden BOOM you are all gone...and the police dude goes to find a new victim.
You are a very intelligent and rational person. Were you at my age? I am over plagued with my Chronic negative affects to think positively and rationally… all this goes through my mind, such as anxiety, fearfulness, tension, irritability, anger, dejection, hopelessness, guilt, shame;, unrealistic expectations, demands on self, unwarranted pessimism; unfounded somatic concerns; helplessness and dependence on others for emotional support and decision making. Im avoidant but so super dependent that I knowfor a fact 100% without a doubt that if say you weren’t here that I wouldn’t be either…or If I was I would be so terribly lost and maybe half dead.
About the imagination…That’s me….a total pPreoccupation with fantasy and daydreaming; lack of practicality; eccentric thinking not to mention my susceptibility to nightmares. This is odd because all of these wonderfully negative things which describe me are also which describe people with that disorder, but if I do say so myself…they are much more interesting on me *wink*
I have had such a horrible day today. I cant keep from crying. I actually felt bad for my guidence counselor...I went to her practically the whole day to cry about the same thing. I realize that I dont like this change of not being in school becuase that leaves me more time to think...and thinking gets depressing because i spend so much time alone i get tired of myself, but im too scared and listless to go out.
*sigh*
that's why you cry so much. I was depressed when i was younger because i had no close friends... and the teacher asked us to write about our best friend! guess who wrote about me? thast's right, no one. i was so heartbroken and my "freinds" were being bitchy to me. so i creid. i cried at everything. and that's probably why you are crying. your life is really depressing to you... it might have nothing to do with this personality disorder.
