To make you think [may trigger]

[Graveyard Goddess]

I gather you seem like you have a very deep insight yourself on things yea? I am a thinker myself. I’m the person who observes the world without actually jumping into it...the silence knows more than you’d think! See i have struggled with depression for a long while now; sometimes worse and sometimes its more manageable but its most always there...I’ve learnt that absolutely nothing in life comes easy unless it is artificial i actually only thought that up yesterday and id like to explain my reasoning behind it but it may be too much for you to think about because its a bit wordy
Well there are people that are surface friendly and they seem nice enough but underneath the masque they arent. There are obstacles in life that are terribly hard so it seems that there has to be easy ones but there simply arent. Every life experience is one meant to be there so you can learn and grow no matter how hard it is for you. Some people can handle it and others cant.
You never really know anyone's deepest thoughts or fears so you cant quite tell. Once you can conquer your own shadow then you can look into others and try to perceive its ways and learn about them through observing; but until you conquer yours and discover everything you need to about yourself you can never truly see anyone else. Nothing is easy. There is a process for everything that takes time.It seems unmanageable to me at times but that’s only my shadow trying to get in my way.
The doppelganger as well as ones shadow is a negative aspect. Now someone can aspire to be someone or something better than what they are but this is not reflected in ones shadow, for your shadow is composed of your negativity, fears and hidden evil desires. Your shadow self doesn’t need to be so strong...although rationally it is easy to see this everyone knows it does not come easy to most as negativity has the power to overrule hope and faith…but ive learnt something
One can manipulate it in order to become a more fulfilled and wholesome person. Some say that coming in contact with this other self, doppelganger, shadow etcetera results in a three fold revenge, coming right back at you and you find yourself, becoming your own shadow.
Still, I think that if you are ready to face your shadow, your fears and negative energy that is reflected in your doppelganger, it can be used as a healer and even disappear. Become its friend, and understand it-- learn how it thinks, be able to identify its secrets and desires, its fears and its insecurities, then you can make twist it, use it to heal yourself by accepting and changing the shadow and keep it from haunting you
Shadow work is not for everyone, but i believe that those who desire the results of eradicating their own doppelganger and are willing to step into the dark, can conquer it and create a type of light that will make that penetrating darkness within your "second self" or the negative you sort of dissipate
Like in my instance, I've let mine control my life to an extent, but my awareness of it and acceptance of it keeps it tamer than it used to be...learning beneficial coping methods is very valuable but very hard for me at least...because I am a natural empath. I only discovered this recently, due to a good friend of mine(who is a member on this board). It is a gift and a curse in my opinion. An empath is defined as someone having a second sense of emotion...I am extremely sensitive and in touch with others emotions which can lead me to become paranoid at times but it can be very good at others....yes its a gift and a curse.
I can sense emotions of another person without being clued on, told or not even necessarily seeing the person....so i sort of have an insight into people shadows but only those who i have a real deep connection to. Only a few people....that is why i am an observer as much as i hate it...i am one for a reason…..
A close friend of mine; called **Alex**and I have a strong empathic connection which is amazing yet creepy… Believe me, it is very convenient and lucky, but also quite awkward to his fiancé at times, although she understands it as she is a natural born healer. Sometimes I can tell when I am experiencing an emotion of someone, but not my own. It is not like I just know when someone’s sad, but I feel their sadness if the person has the connection with me and sometimes not at all. I am quite good at picking up on vibes of others too.
That one night things were horrid. . .Because we are both empathic, when we were both feeling extremely sad, it was double the sadness we felt. Overall he called me on my phone one night to tell me “we” had lost it and “we” couldn’t live any longer...we both felt the same. It was scary and horrible..... but we had to live!-- because either way, two lives could be taken and I know it is near impossible to hurt yourself when you know someone else will be hurt in the same exact way just as badly.
He went on, you know, we discussed how we would make our lives better. It always amazed me that he knew just when to call. Since that night, we had a come that was very different than most people.. Not friends, not family, nor lovers or acquaintances. Just different than all that. He helped me tremendously with my self injury problems...always seem to call me or txt or email just that moment and distract me from the world. He is much more empathic than I am. Funny little things never seize to amaze me. We always answer each others questions the same second they are being asked or finish each others sentences, weird quirks too….like we both won’t take pain medication.
Its crazy, but good for us. Sometimes its horrid because I feel down over other people when I don’t "deserve" to....I am SO sensitive, but am avoidant as well because I get hurt so easily Like I said before, not only do I pick up on emotions and cast them, but if It’s bad enough, I experience those same emotions and it can be dangerous when I let them take over and forget they aren’t my own. I knew that in order for me to actually get a good look at other people and make a good sense of them i had to do so for myself....which is a never ending goal because its near impossible. It really it just takes time like anything does. Thus nothing truly does come easy...but you see Im a writer...well sort of …
You can’t write until you can understand how to write….but to understand what to write; how to write it; how to read it and embrace it…that is a whole other process. My poetry is angst-filled and confusing to most readers, but I know next year I will have something better to say I have written.
Writing is a growing process and for me it’s my natural connection between my emotions and the outside conscious mind. I have a lot of goals for myself—not necessarily writing-wise, but intellect or emotional wise. I have my ideas and the person I want to be and with each time I read an old poem which I find distasteful; I see that something in me has in fact progressed—not just the ability to write words on a paper, but to convey my innermost thoughts and other things I feel passionate about. Conveying them may not seem all great because actually conquering them is the ultimate goal…but the way I see it; you can’t reach your goals until you realize just what they are. Without that revelation one has nothing to step off of.
I can be as insightful as I please and think life and my emotions through but if I can not reach them I will not get anywhere. Being able to understand them however makes me realize that i can see a lot more than many people are not gifted with the ability to. Life is made of...fear and desperation...some can understand the empathic connections between people or the sensitivity and interself who which causes one to break when one hurts. It is not the same as love; though that can be woven into it as well-I see it as...maybe; holding on to a painful obstacle because it must be done no matter how much it hurts.
Well, finding this helped me not focus on my sadness, a bit ago and rather think about how to change it, if not for the better, then to change it just for the change. Some of these things amaze me because they don’t always have an explanation.
Most people question many things about life, but do not search for an answer due to one very strong emotion nestled within—fright. Some say that people, who people, who are scared of things that different or unusual, are ignorant. They are not necessarily ignorant—they just need to listen to their mind and find the confidence to explore the life that they only get to live once.
I believe that taking risks in something that compels you—even if it means marching to the beat of your own drum, shapes you into a well rounded and insightful person. One should not sit and quietly wonder in the middle of the night—afraid of the unexpected, but should seek knowledge and question things that may draw you. That’s at least how I see it tonight and once in a while. People say there is something wrong if I was thinking this all up at the age of 14.... (cont)

[Graveyard Goddess]

Unfortunately, with a rational mind, i can put this all together, but when in my pessimistic state, I’m more of a "confused by life and tortured by death" type. When really depressed, hate life and want to die, but never getting far enough to go to such extreme measures so instead dwell on what could happen or how I hate life. Though I don’t enjoy reading literature from philosophers who died ages ago...I am grateful that I have the ability to see everything clearly and understand life and thought on many different levels....

My therapist tells me I should be a therapist even at my young age! I can take anyone’s emotion and think of exactly how I would be in their shoes and understand why people react to what they do but I can also see it through my eyes as well at the true maturity level I am at and be confused by it.

That sort of thing is what crushes my self esteem. I sometimes think that understanding peoples drive and motivation for things leads me to wonder and misjudge or become cynical; sometimes this insight clashes with my depression resulting in the fear of my existence; my self loathing qualities as well as my tendency to think that everyone has ulterior motives...but i will take it because I am that sensitive person, Everyone and thing can gets to me
...I read and write about my wonderful understandings and outlooks but can never embrace it only to be drowned out by mine own shadow. So instead i tell it to anyone who wants to listen hoping they can do what I cant....as for me...

I know that I am by nature a door-mat. I also am aware that saying “it’s by nature” is just an excuse because I don’t have it in me to change. , I wish it was easy for me to not let things get to me; or to just integrate with other people. I do try to an extent, but only getting half of it down since I show my emotions really easily but will deny it if anyone was to ask. I’ve got a verrry Indiscriminate trust of others. If someone is nice to me I want to pour my heart out to them….which I don’t because like you said that wouldn’t be a good idea lol. I think this sort of thing happens because there aren’t too many nice people in this world and when one comes along I feel like I trust them…Sometimes without even knowing them.

Its so random though. I will be nice to people by nature; sometimes nice to people even when its obvious they would do anything to huirt me. anyone could kill me if they wanted to...Anyone could actually..... because I don’t fight and I know I don’t and that’s my problem. Now that is not normal!

In all honesty I've got excessive kindness and generosity, but its to detriment of self-intere and an inability to stand up to others and fight back ;thus I am easily taken advantage of and fearful of people. But I am taken advantage of all the time and I know it, but I want people to like me so I don’t care too much which my counsellor says sets me up for being in abusive relationships in the future, but I don’t know if that’s true or not.

See, I spent a lot of time convinced I have a personality disorder called APvd. After doing loads of research on it, I realized there was no quality in that disorder that wasn’t one ive got. See; they say if I had this personality disorder; Id be be totally preoccupied with my self definition; I'd be cynical and pessimistic, defective, unable to fit in with other people; defective, unable to fit in with other people; Id be being unlikable, and completely inadequate. Everyone will reject me, because the whole world is secretly plotting against me! That isn’t what they say honestly, but its what they say a person with apvd will think.

Think; socially inept and inferior or how about what this book says; "personally unappealing and interpersonally inadequate. They describe themselves as ill at ease, anxious, and sad. They are lonely and isolated." that is me a lot yes? I know I shouldn’t be happy about this, but you see-these articles aren’t plotting against me...they are simply agreeing with me! i found someone i can truly identify with through not my philosophies hopes and dreams but my inward most negative feelings; my shadow which i cant seem to let free to float away forever


I’ve got a tendency to live in the past or in fantasy…This diminished ability to pay attention results in mild memory disturbances....because I am alone I get both the positive aspects of being an observer and being able to understand emotion...but i don’t get the things I need such as social support and acceptation

I am constantly distracted by my own sensitivity to subtleties of tone and feeling; since im all hyper alert to the meaning of emotive communication...I’m super in touch with feeling and stuff like that. I cry at movies out of feeling for the characters! Its distracting at times to listen to someone and hear their voice and wonder how they think of you and then sometimes perceive it the wrong way you know?

My thought processes are almost always interfered with, by a flooding of irrelevant environmental details. I’ve got no close friends, hypersensitivity to criticism ,I avoids people out of fear, I have total reticence, I’m overly self-conscious , And I avoids tasks with social demands yet I long for them all the same!...In all of this there is good stuff. I bet you have some of the same things I do. It is all there though there are so many layers to a person and so many different ways of understanding and achieving self goals or living your life to the fullest underneath your personal storm cloud which is hovered over your head wherever you roam.

I am over plagued with my chronic negative affects to think positively and rationally… all this goes through my mind, such as anxiety, fearfulness, tension, dejection, hopelessness, guilt, shame; unrealistic expectations, and unrealistic fears, unwarranted pessimism; unfounded somatic concerns; helplessness and dependence on others for emotional support but not having it in me to find someone to depend on out of my rejection fear.

I'm avoidant but so super dependent that I know for a fact 100% without a doubt that if say you weren’t here that I wouldn’t be either…or If I was I would be so terribly lost and maybe half dead.
About the imagination…That’s me….a total preoccupation with fantasy and daydreaming; lack of practicality; eccentric thinking not to mention my susceptibility to nightmares. This is odd because all of these wonderfully negative things which describe me, because I can see the beauty past it

Just remember that I am well aware of the hypocrisy within all of this. it is more of a goal for me rather than something I have accomplished and am telling someone else to accomplish. Like i said previously; you have to look in the words shadows to find the true beauty because that’s where its drawn. The things that are most confident to come out into the light are most fake.

Those things, people and emotions are waiting to discover themselves and for such to understand. Those people will become so repulsed by their surface emotional masque when they realize how lost their are. Even if I can not always act on it I can acknowledge that through all my sadness I can see those tears of bliss; through all my depression I can see the light.


I have faith that anyone can understand things like I can ...but not only that; but have a strength i bet that I don’t. Whoever you are; You will aspire to be whoever it is you want to be most if you embrace your light and darkness and not let the darkness shroud you. Just respect it embrace your shadow for what its worth because there is more beauty in things that perplexing and different. I bet you are unique with or without your depressed thoughts, but that is not just what your darkness and shadow is composed of. Its also the things that make people not understand or accept the person you are and the things that make you not want to accept yourself. Those are the most glamorous.

I can see all this clearly but it is so hard to have a goal and try so very hard to get others to reach it when I cannot myself. Take for instance today...

Today I feel frail. My insides have taken on the body I’ve always longed for. I am freezing inside and long for warmth. I’m only scared; the warmth's touch will make me break.Lately I’ve been needing freedom of my fright. I can’t begin to describe the amount of suspicion, doubt and fright has taken over.

I built this home for myself. It is nothing but my save haven. I sometimes pretend i am small enough to sleep on a flower. I can see the orchids blooming and the lush forest surrounding me if I try hard enough. I could be a free creature a thing, not a person. Smaller, thinner, lighter. Everything full of light, so I could see the ocean in front of me for miles, and be small enough to dive in, like a mermaid, something sea foam. I would belong and I would have to Whole Ocean to explore; I couldn’t cry, for my tears would blend to deep with my world.

This can only last so long you know. To me it is a story, another world; an escape for a mere second until I then open my eyes to see a familiar bedroom- or a tile floor sometimes a doctors office, and realize that this can never be. I can not sleep on flowers. I will never be held in warmth. Or live in an ocean full of tearless mermaid/merman creatures, who's voices create the ocean's tidal song; their starry eyes attracting the sun to the oceans surface...splitting to the floor; I would be filled with glistening warmth.

No one I know has ever followed me here, yet I am never alone. I spend so much time alone, in this real world that I can see the clouds the ocean everywhere. It’s the reality snap that hurts. I still hear the brine’s song, but what is comforting in a dream is such a haunting thing in the real world… I’ve become afraid to step out when the opportunity comes at me.

When I am alone, here; and simply just that. When I am sitting by the ocean; upon a bed of cotton clouds or on a wispy flower, I’d be a tiny thing. There are no people in sight, yet I feel every good emotion stirring through my veins and can talk to the wind; the light which dances on the water, until the night falls and even then the stars are my only friends, but still, they are good friends. I bet this seems completely absurd doesn't it? No I am not writing a fake entry, or the beginnings of a novel. I am writing my life, because I can write anything out of me I please. I will write my heart out until there isn’t a drop left of hurt.

Reality has been coming so much faster to me lately. What a weird sentence that was, but it is true. I’ve only been visiting that place of perfection when things get so confusing; so bad or stressful that my insides feel tight. When I feel so cold inside out that I’m dying. When I am dying because I want nothing more than to be loved but can not love others to the extent I wish without experiencing such a fear. Everyone is too far...those I can reach....I can not reach physically. It must seem so distant, so extremely hard to understand this type of fear. It is not a nervousness, because I would be grateful to get to that point; but it is a fear that slaps me in the face...

Sometimes, causing a destrudo within me that causes me to spiral out of control, or to drown in my own emotions; even more so when the results of this fear hit me. I have killed two people with one destructive thought, which causes everything to decompose before my very eyes. I can’t see that ocean; I am not small and free. Right now I am nothing-I am nobody. I do not know if it is worse to be somebody and want to be nobody or to be nobody and long to be somebody. Either way I don’t fit. I want to be somebody, but have lost the will power and have not yet gained the courage.

Since dependence has been a web I wove many years ago, against my will. My personality is needy. My spoken words won’t reveal this like my written ones will, no matter how hard I try. It is so much harder to speak and look in the eyes of this person without feeling guilt and such unbearable sadness or maybe even fear of being left forever; alone. Used and forgotten.

It is one thing to be alone and happy in a world of delicacy and perfection. But to be in this world alone is near unbearable. My reflection is my enemy. You have met her before. She is the girl who sees my tears reminding me daily that no one but her can. Taunting me with her thoughts that deprive me of light. "No one sees the way your nerves clench down on you when you’re with others and you can’t bare the fact that people might like you – or maybe they don’t like you. What is there to like anyways? You will never be anyone. Never. You are nothing — an outcast. The quiet one in the back of the room who secretly longs to be the social butterfly. I know what its like to stand behind those brown eyes.

All you see is gray. Gray thick fog forming around you – not letting anyone get close, yet you cry for attention and to be cared for…..but you know in the back of your mind that admitting to your cries will only bring more hurt since no one really does care. Your cries will be left unanswered! I know...getting through a day of school is unbearable. No one can see you and sometimes it feels like you are blending into the walls. I know poppet. I know that it hurts.

The pain can be unbearable at times. Sometimes you let it take over and sometimes you do everything in your power to get rid of it. Throw a plate against the wall--Run the blade against your skin just to feel the rush and then see it scar and Watch yourself get better again. It hurts oh so very much to bleed but, finally your pain can be taken away!

You don’t need friends, even though you want them more than anything…I know what’s best for you—they will only hurt you in the end! You have your other coping mechanisms. Maybe you think you can even become beautiful if you try hard enough? I used to think that. You can devote your life to finding the perfection that isn’t there. I do that just like you do. You can spend your days trying to get the body you want but you never will. You can spend years trying to get the social life you want but you remain friendless. The pessimist takes over doesn’t it? It hurts to look in the mirror and see something ugly doesn’t it? I see that we are both more alike than we thought. I might not be just like you – I am cynical. I am depressed and lonely.

I am your reflection. I am your shadow.

I watch you dying inside your thoughts flying in agony; but you just stand their limp like a lifeless rag doll! I wonder if you have even got a heart inside that tangled mess you call a soul.

People assure us that there is beauty inside of us but we don’t see that either – we can’t. It shouldn’t be apart of our life. You don’t deserve to be happy. If I don’t get happiness, neither should you – Together we will be unhappy forever.

I know what its like to have no one to take the guilt away that’s piled heavily up to my head. No one to silently scream to. No one who could look in my eyes and not see simple, plain brown, but the tears that went through them daily— hourly. No one to call up at 2am when all you want to do is sleep forever, but insomnia has taken over. No one to look you in your face and assure you that you are all you’re worth while truly meaning it. They all say that the “divine being” only gives you challenges you can handle. Well, then why did your best friend run into the street last year— did you make him so miserable? I bet you were the cause of his life terminating pain!

You deserves pain… and we both know that from the inside out that its unidentifiable. Its not anger but not just sadness. Its all our emotions swept out from under our feet; leaving you without a pathway to walk upon. Leaving you abandoned with yourself—and just you and I are never enough....never.

Floating into another dimension where sanity and hope has flown out from every part of you; every tear; every pore every drifting thought until its scrambled into a senseless thing— A monster, which you cannot even see. When suddenly tears and blood mean nothing, because all they seem to be are fabricated on a movie screen, where you watch it in front of you . . . you see the person get hurt on the screen, but you don’t feel the bullet or the knife or the tears in your own eyes.

Where you see it all in front of you but nothing does the trick, because you are watching nothing but a mirror, which isn’t your own reflection, its someone you barley know— Someone you really could care less about. While you’re drowning your hate and you want to reach into the mirror and make the pain you see go away but you can’t do a god damn thing. Not a god damn thing would penetrate the absence of feeling; the absence of light.

Stuck in a silent film where it’s useless to scream. What ever could that scream convey? You feel alone in this colourless world; where a silent film would be worthless with only one character. So you sit and watch the person in front of you. They have the same eyes and heartbeat, but their facial expression is different and they have more tears you ever thought one person could hold inside.

For those minutes they are trying to cure the hurt inside of them and you can’t help them live. For those minutes which feel like hours upon years you can’t seem to help them live… You can’t help them die. So you sit watching helplessly wondering when it’s going to go away…thinking “Did you feel that before…that numbing pain which hurts so badly but you can not call it hurt because you haven’t a reason to. It came out of nowhere…creeping like a parasite only to squeeze your insides until the world is blurred and you cannot make anything out. Is that what you felt?" Oh little one...you always have.

Why were you tempted to swallow that bottle of painkillers and not tell anyone? Life is filled with misconceptions and let downs. Feel sorry for yourself since there isn’t a soul to pity you. Oh woe is me!Will you ever learn? Why do you think I spend hours at a time crying on the bedroom floor?
The answer is simple - that is what our home. We do not belong on the dance floor or in the crowds. We are the girl in the darkest corner; praying that if we turn ourselves inside-out; someone will finally see us.

You look a lot like me. You are ugly too. I see those awful plain brown eyes and that protruding stomach under that tee-shirt. I think you could learn a lot from me. I have spent years observing you…your unattractiveness and your longing for beauty. I see you hiding. Your are hiding behind every physical feature you have. You don’t know much about yourself do you? I have learned a lot from my mistakes. I can teach you to become beautiful and happy. Look at that hideous smile. It is quite obvious that you are faking it.

Dear, smiles are a symptom of happiness and can be faked – don’t assume that everyone who is smiling smiles because they are happy. Cry on the floor for another hour. Self affliction might be the answer, but you aren’t going to get any happier that way. Oh little one, you are young and scared – I know. Tough it out! I know you hate yourself and want to die. Well then why would you just get the courage to go through with it and end it all?!

Look! Look at me. I am all you have. You don’t have anyone to help you. You don’t have anyone to take you into your arms and tell you that it’s going to be ok. All you have is me – ugly and hateful, me… and you are going to have to accept it. Accept the fact that you are ugly and worthless – Don’t turn away from me young girl! Look at me in the eye! . . . You never could bare your reflection could you?"

Shes practically all ive ever known...I have never lost this quality of mine, though it morphed quite a bit on different levels. My mouth became sewn shut after the many attempts to speak and getting a pale hand placed over my mouth accompanied by an ‘You are worthless” type voice. My lips stitched tight and my loneliness burning a hole in me, I realized that no one would even know the affect they had on me. I couldn’t and still have, trouble telling people. I hate myself. Writing however is a different story. I am safe and can not be hurt when I’m writing. No one will leave me speechless. No one will touch my feelings and hurt me. I have control. By writing I still have people here with me. I still have people here; distance and time swept, but here. I would kill myself in a second, rather than being utterly alone.
I have been so close to that point.

Lying beneath my skin, on a deeper level; one that is hardly noticeable- I am utterly dependent on everyone, like ive siad and I have no backbone. I have no true foundation only the one Ive thought up for myself made up of my goals and dreams and hopes which are so very far away. The second I realize that I am not important to someone just because they mean the world to me, the world falls. I scare people away and they leave me. Without this sort of love I am the absence of colour, the light is utterly gone. Without any form of written or spoken intimacy or caring intentions, that I had used to boost my self esteem, nothing is left.

I then let it get to me. It gets to the point of danger at times. I am scared of myself. I think back to the days where everything was fine. I didn’t care about the world but I accepted it. I didn’t need anyone to make me happy because I was perfectly content sitting and thinking forever. By now, things have been worse. I come off as self centred and needy in writing and distant and sad in person. I am an addictive personality. I am dependent on things and people to help me live. I am going to make it my number one objective to keep above the water. Maybe if I can conquer that, then I can work on the next important thing; accepting myself.

I can be lured in so easily. .. But there is a method to how I think...for instance; By taking everything said to me in the past few days I can determine who I am and if I have a purpose. Who I am living for and who I am not. I can see the broken relationships and the labyrinth that has been blocked off and tangled inside me. I let insults and criticism kill me. These words are shoved at me. They are as sharp as blades sometimes sharper. It crawls up my spine and wraps around me like a tourniquet, squeezing me uncomfortably. Sometimes so tightly; I am almost positive that words could cause me to bleed to death out of nothing. I choke on my breath and see that my tears and blood are being drained from me. The thickness makes it hard to escape. It is not a flow or trail rather a drip. These things pinching me like an eyedropper, and slowly but surly shedding my insides away.

Finding out why I seem so unstable; what I really want from life is near impossible. In the meantime, I have written my heart out...well I am knackered and ready to drift away by now. Will not fall sleep-I wont wrap myself up in my own arms and become a tiny thing full of light and love. This revelation makes me feel sick....Despondent yet hysterical. I wonder if what I have inside has a name; if anyone else feels this way. If I can just figure out how to conquer it…
I hope in telling these thoughts of mine to others; you will get everything out of life that I cant grasp.
please; those of you who havent heard this sort of thing from me...let me know what you think

[sybil4insane]

I can understand of the shadow..I have encountered people like that. Sure it hurts but it you can always put it behind you. The person wasn't there and would be less likely to do so. Sorry for such a negative advice but its really is true. to not be reminded of the hurt from a person its best to move on.

[Graveyard Goddess]

Nice idea but...I meant the shadow as in...me
the shadow is my sadness, anger, negativity, and bad qualities

[sybil4insane]

oops! but it nice to think about that this passage also means different things to different people.