i feel like shit [triggering?]

[crimsoncadavers [amanda]]

blush, in the color of decay.. HA


i was not supposed to end up like this, alone... in the dark
...i just wish everything would end somehow

and I don't understand why I can't be happy until it does.

I just think something is missing

...sigh
maybe I am not trying hard enough to find it
maybe i don't want to find it
maybe i just want to sit back, and watch my life burn to cinders in front of my very own eyes.
or maybe i am waiting for something to bloom
a flower perhaps?
i wish something would burst open and scream..
..you have something to live for
I have yet to find that something.
maybe there is nothing there, maybe i just wait for nothing.

sometimes i think i am a mistake.. a glitch in gods plan for a perfect world...
a freak of nature ment for the depths of the ocean.

it makes me laugh
I have experienced everything in my sixteen years that i need to
and I can't see anything more than that when i think of my future.
...how depressing
it's as if i am not ment to see anything at all... what a concept.
one that I will never be able to get my hands on.
it will always slip through my weak clutch of desperation.
..and i am desperate enough to try to reach for it.
...everytime
someone once told me i was destined for greatness...
i feel as if i was destined for one great big mess.
I wonder what people see when they look at me..
do they see what i see everytime i look into a glass reflection?
do they see a failure? a fake? a plague? an invalid mind?
or am i just another face?










I cut myself last night..
for the first time in soo fucking long, I cut myself.

and the razor wasn't even that sharp. but i tried.

Im glad it wasn't that sharp.. I might have tried something.


How am I still alive?
it makes no fucking sense to me.

[7236]

Why do you feel this way? I'm not trying to be nosy, I am only trying to help.. but whats going on? why do you feel this way?

[crimsoncadavers [amanda]]

I have no fucking clue why I feel like this.
I've always felt like I didn't belong in this realm.
For some reason all of the fantasy lands, and people, and everything that I read in books seemed better than living here.

I don't want to be here,
I can't stay here.
Nothing is here for me
I know people care about me, and love me, and would hurt if I did this, but I would end up dissapointing them in the future anyways.

so It's just got to stop.

[7236]

sweetheart (about the reading) that is normal.. if fact one of the major reasons people read that stuff is because it gives them a release.. a means of escape really.. in a fiction people can do things they dont do normally and that is use their imagination. i try to encourage others to talk about things.. usually in talking, they get their feelings out in the open.. so instead of them saying that they want to die.. they need to say why they want to die.. what is going on that makes them feel this way? and then they can focus on what to do to change this. life is precious hun, and like i said in the other thread, it is not for you to know what your purpose for being here is. I am speaking from my heart when i say, that i have been there, when i was younger i said the exact same thing. as it turned out, that i had a strained relationship with my family.. i felt as if no one understood me, or even bothered to try. my distance from my mom (i moved out at 18) had helped me gain perspective on things. and the next thing i knew, i was as "suicidal" or "depressed." I also know that if i cannot help a person, then i will direct them to where they can get help. Talking things out really does help, if you cant talk to anyone at home without fear of judgment, then log on to here. If you dont have a journal, get one, and keep it in a safe place. write down your thoughts and feelings whether they are bad or good.

Self Injury is not normal, and please dont take this the wrong way, but you should not do that to yourself. You should seek professional help so that someone can help you. I am sorry that you are having such a bad time in your life, but you should find a better way to deal with your frustration ok? I am sure that this has been said to you before.

You said something interesting in your reply,

I would end up dissapointing them in the future anyways.

the bottom line is this.. it is your life, the only person you have to worry about disappointing is yourself. if your family truly loves and supports you then they wouldn't care what you do just as long as you are happy doing it. dont worry about being as good as someone else, or following in the footsteps of your parents, just be yourself. because guess what? you have to be happy with whatever you decide to do in life in order to be successful at it. I hope this helps

[Graveyard Goddess]

Amanda chicky....like you know I am always here for you. You know I * S-I as well...
but I definetly dont support it...but I understand very well its benifits and also the idea of really loathing life and not wanting to go on...I am always here to listen. I am 100% here for you....youve had be extreamly worried before, and I know it feels like the world is a teeny room where the walls are closing in and you cant even breathe...I know nothing anyone says can really change it. me telling you "your wonderful you need to live" or "you have a wonderful life and should live it to the fullest" is absotivly pointless and it doesnt make a difference...but I am still here for you in anyway I can be even if it is only to get though this life in which you feel cursed to be living...I know it well love; I really do chicky and If I can be any help at all you know how to reach me