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Post by Graveyard Goddess on Sept 18, 2005 8:26:14 GMT -5
Ive got a problem. My problem is that i dont know how to be angry. No joke. I really cant and it scares me becuase maybe someday ill need to be anger but wont be. Also people take advantage of me alot becuase i never get angry or assertive or stand up for myself...but honest ive never been angry and i need to learn how. If someone here can get me angry ill send you five USD in the post  |
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foblin
Post-Mortem Mod 
Living In Sin
Posts: 2,770
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Post by foblin on Sept 18, 2005 11:57:04 GMT -5
Being angry and standing up for yourself aren't really the same thing.....
I'd say you just react differently.....some people get angry and some people get sad. You can't force yourself to be angry. If you ever do really need to be angry you will be.
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Post by madworrydreamtrial on Sept 18, 2005 12:07:15 GMT -5
Anger's just pain with a knife in it's hand.
It's just sadness that wants to hurt others.
I really don't think you want to get angry but...It's basically transforming your pain into a desire to make others feel that pain, or at least apologise or otherwise make up for what they've done to you.
Misery loves company, anger's basically a desire for everyone to feel the same, so you're not so alone. This could either mean making that person feel terrible, or them making you feel better.
Assertiveness is just learning that everyone's worth something, and not laetting ANYONE tell you you're worthless. All you need to do, is when people treat you like dirt, remember that you're not worthless and that you can't let anyone believe that.
I suppose, if you wanted to really get angry, just think about the fact that these kinds of jerks are the people who make MILLIONS of people's lives miserable everyday. Think about how many people are crying, shaking, self-harming right now because of assholes like that. It might help you get angry at them.
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Post by Graveyard Goddess on Sept 18, 2005 13:23:12 GMT -5
Well i see what you are saying...lets see here are my characteristics involved in this
-my sensativity
-my dependency
-the hurt i experience by someone hating me. one of the worst things in the world is if someone doesnt like me
-I am a people pleaser. I get taken advantage of but its worth it becuase I want people to like me and people like people who do things for people.
- I will be friends with anyone expecially those treat me like crap becuase that means i have a chance of making them like me.
- I cant go an hour without saying sorry. It was the hardest challange ive ever been given and i couldnt do it
-I have never yelled at anyone. I cant. its scary and it would probably make me cry.
- If someone tells me I am wrong then I am; end of disscussion
- If someone tells me anything they are right actually
- No one respects someone who doesnt get angry i guess. I dont really want respect, but im supposed to want it so i do want it. I hate havign controll and respect= controll.
Im meshed up
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Post by tattoodvampyre on Sept 19, 2005 5:56:42 GMT -5
I agree on the comment that anger and assertiveness are not the same thing
"my sensativity
-my dependency
-the hurt i experience by someone hating me. one of the worst things in the world is if someone doesnt like me
-I am a people pleaser. I get taken advantage of but its worth it becuase I want people to like me and people like people who do things for people.
- I will be friends with anyone expecially those treat me like crap becuase that means i have a chance of making them like me.
- I cant go an hour without saying sorry. It was the hardest challange ive ever been given and i couldnt do it
-I have never yelled at anyone. I cant. its scary and it would probably make me cry.
- If someone tells me I am wrong then I am; end of disscussion
- If someone tells me anything they are right actually
- No one respects someone who doesnt get angry i guess. I dont really want respect, but im supposed to want it so i do want it. I hate havign controll and respect= controll."
it would seem that your problems lie in wanting ppl to like you and therefore letting them take advantage of you so that they like you.
"-the hurt i experience by someone hating me. one of the worst things in the world is if someone doesnt like me"
its not the end of the world if ppl dont like you, as you get older you will find that there will be plenty ppl you dont like. Its not nice if a certain person doesnt like you when you like them, but this sadly is life, but again you will find you will be on opposite side as you get older, there will be ppl who will like you and you wont like them
"I am a people pleaser. I get taken advantage of but its worth it becuase I want people to like me and people like people who do things for people."
Theres a difference between being a ppl pleaser and a door mat that ppl walk all over.
Its nice to do things for ppl, im like that myself. But you will soon learn that those who take advantage of you are not worthy of your time and if they truly liked you they wouldnt take advantage of you. Ppl dont like ppl who are doormats they just walk all over them cos the door mat person lets them. Doing things for ppl will not make them like you unless they liked you already
"- I will be friends with anyone expecially those treat me like crap becuase that means i have a chance of making them like me."
Why would you want someone like that to like you, if they treat you like crap they arent a nice person. Its difficult i kno to deal with ppl not liking you, but dont waste your time trying to get nasty ppl to like you instead spend your time, with ppl who you dont have to try to make them like you.
-I have never yelled at anyone. I cant. its scary and it would probably make me cry.
You dont have to yell at some one to make a point, i know plenty ppl who can make there point in the quietest of voices and that is more scary than some one yelling at you.
Yelling at some one means you have lost control, its better to be in control in situations where some one mite yell
- If someone tells me I am wrong then I am; end of disscussion
sadly this is just lack of self esteem and confidence, i have a person in my family who no matter what i say im in the wrong, she can change my arguement back on myself, its got to the stage that i dont say anything cos whats the point it will only be made my fault in the end.
But thats a different situation to yours, like i said its a lack of self esteem and confidence
you dont have confidence in your own thoughts and actions there fore believe that you are always in the wrong
If someone tells me anything they are right actually
same as above!
- No one respects someone who doesnt get angry i guess. I dont really want respect, but im supposed to want it so i do want it. I hate havign controll and respect= controll."
I dont know what kind of upbringing you have had but no-one i know respects some one who gets angry, i think you may be confusing fear with respect. PPl are scared of those who lose their temper as you never know what they will do, its losing control and i have been on the receiving end of some one who lost control, and believe me i dont respect him for it.
Respect is gained for the kind of person you are not always by your actions, and no one will respect some one who spends have their time shouting the odds at ppl. That is a sure fire way of losing respect. Control is all about having control over your life, you cant choose who will like you and who wont, you cant make ppl like you if they dont. Control isnt about controlling other ppl its about having control of your life. Ppl will like you or ppl will hate you regardless of how much you do for them or how hard you try to make them like you. Have respect for yourself by not grovelling at the feet of those you dont like you, trying to make them like you gives them control over you and thats not good.
I know its hard, but you need to stop wanting everyone to like you, what you find yourself doing will make ppl lose respect for you. Dont waste your time trying to make those who dont like you like you. If they were the kind of ppl meant to be friends with you then they would like you no question. Spend more time making your friends feel good rather then your enemies!
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foblin
Post-Mortem Mod
Living In Sin
Posts: 2,770
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Post by foblin on Sept 20, 2005 11:55:31 GMT -5
I agree here.
I think another problem Stephie, is that people do like you, but you don't realise it.
Some people like you, some hate you. All you have to do is talk to people becuse most will like something about you =)
Anger doesn't get you any respect. It will probably make people dislike you more, for the large part, solving any problem through getting agry isn't good. As was said before, anger is getting upset, but doing something about it rather than not (be it right or wrong, you still are doing something).
respect is not control, respect is having people appreciate who you are (I think). Control is over-powering people thus forcing them to respect you.
I'd summerise your problems down to....You need more self-esteem and stop being a doormat, you don't have to be a doormat to have friends because people do like you! Now...go and sort these things out and if things still aren't working out...then you can carry on telling us how you want to get angry. The only problem with sorting out thses things out is that you have to sort them out yourself, we can only help you up to a certain stage.
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Post by madworrydreamtrial on Sept 20, 2005 12:47:49 GMT -5
I've got to agree with the others here, no matter how nice you are, whatver you do, SOMEONE won't like you. Just concentrate on the people who DO like you, they're more worth your time.  |
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Post by Graveyard Goddess on Sept 20, 2005 14:35:04 GMT -5
Oh damn. thank you all EXTREAMLY.
I am a door mat. I have no backbone and I cant "not care about what people think" becuase that is what matters to me. If I said "just screw em all" then Id be wasting away. I guess I do have a self esteem problem obviously. to put it bluntly I hate myself I always have im anti social becuase the world scares me and people scare me and the only thing i can do is cry and hope someone has something for me to do for them so they talk to me just in case they think im a freak or something I just make myself all akward and think and feel like im invisable and when im not its cos everyone hates me. im trly a horrible person for being like this. I hyperventilate sometimes till i get dizzy cos I cant stand the feeling of taking a breath in since it makes my stoumach stick out and if someone is looking at me and can see me and im not invisable; that would be why. Im horrid. Im scared and I am just not cut out for all this stuff. I am scared of everything its so pathetic actually. I think if i was prettier or had confidence this living thing would be more bearable!
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Post by wingedgothgrl on Sept 21, 2005 1:00:10 GMT -5
Oh I think if i was prettier or had confidence this living thing would be more bearable!
Here's a quote picked 'specially for you love...
"RISK! RISK ANYTHING! CARE NO MORE FOR THE OPINION OF OTHERS, FOR THOSE VOICES. DO THE HARDEST THING ON EARTH FOR YOU. ACT FORYOURSELF. FACE THE TRUTH. BE WHO YOU ARE."~ Katherine Mansfeild
and one more for good measure...
"Find out who you are and then do it on purpose" ~ Dolly Parton |
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Post by tattoodvampyre on Sept 21, 2005 3:33:59 GMT -5
being beautiful and confident doesnt mean there wont be times when you want ppl to like you when they dont. its a fact of life that not every one will like you whether you like them or not. Also being pretty can cause more ppl not to like you, jealousy is a terrible thing!
Being your self, being true to yourself, is what will make ppl like you, being a doormat will make ppl lose respect for you and care very little about you or your feelings.
I want ppl to like me, and it hurts when ppl dont, but i have learnt that i cant make ppl like me no matter what i do they will either like me or they wont. At the end of the day its your personality that will win friends not what you do for them. And its your personality that will make ppl dislike you, its just one of these things. PPl will either like you or they wont, nothing you do will change their minds. Only they can change their minds about you and that would be once they know the true you. But even then, they may not like you. Its not nice but its life, and its not helping you, trying to make ppl like you by doing things for them etc. Its a waste of time and energy and you would be better spending that time and energy on ppl who you dont have to do stuff for them to be your friends.
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foblin
Post-Mortem Mod
Living In Sin
Posts: 2,770
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Post by foblin on Sept 21, 2005 14:36:38 GMT -5
It's ok to think you aren't pretty enough...lets face it...everyone worries about it at some point....it only becomes a problem when it dramatically affects your life like it is with you. I think that you think people don't like you because you are unhappy with how you are. To me it looks like it started that way and then from what you've previously said to me I think you've developed some kind of paranoia about everyone's out to pick out your faults. People don't do that...you desperatly have to try to remember that people don't. You aren't a horrid person for thinking the way you do. I don't want to make this sound like I think you're crazy or anything, but I think all of the problems you've got are in your head and not how the world really is  And I apologize if this cause any bad feelings at all, I truly am. But think about it....how many people have physically or verbally hurt you because of the way you look or what you say and do? |
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Post by tattoodvampyre on Sept 21, 2005 15:25:06 GMT -5
I agree with what Foblin said, we all worry about our looks to certain extent, but its highly unlikley that if ppl dont like you its cos of how you look. And you are not ugly by any stretch of the imaginiation, but you are also young and are growing up all the time. Its only now that im happy with my looks and im 36!
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Post by lostsoul on Sept 21, 2005 18:20:00 GMT -5
Wow, I should take some of that advice for myself too. I was a doormat for ppl all through my teens and still am at times. I'm trying to work on that because it brings no happiness to me. When your a doormat for ppl, thats all they are there for, for you to do things for them and once you do they are out of your way until the next time they need something done. It took a long time for me to figure this out, once I did, I tested to see who were my real friends and who were the ones just using me. I asked them to do something for me and guess what, NO ONE did anything for me. So right there I put a stop to doing things for those ppl. Sure those ppl don't talk to me any more but hey its there lose not mine.
Today it has made me weary of meeting new ppl face to face, cause i'm all about what ppl think of me, i'm working on this too. Before going out on the town, I will take forever getting ready because i'm always thinking what everyone else will think of me if I dress a certain way.
I know i'm not giving too much help here, but just giving an inside look of what i'm like. The only thing I got to say is try work on not being a doormat and not caring what ppl think of you, the younger you are when you overcome this, the easier it will be later in life. I' m 29 years old and every time I see ppl in the corner whispering and laughing, I think they are talking about me. It's hard to overcome this but with a little work you can do it and so can I. I have too many issues to post right now but some day I will post them for you too see. I'm just happy i'm not alone with these feelings.
We have a lot in common Stephie, in this department anyway!! LOL
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Post by starryeyes on Sept 21, 2005 19:06:32 GMT -5
Oh I think if i was prettier or had confidence this living thing would be more bearable!
Here's a quote picked 'specially for you love...
"RISK! RISK ANYTHING! CARE NO MORE FOR THE OPINION OF OTHERS, FOR THOSE VOICES. DO THE HARDEST THING ON EARTH FOR YOU. ACT FORYOURSELF. FACE THE TRUTH. BE WHO YOU ARE."~ Katherine Mansfeild
and one more for good measure...
"Find out who you are and then do it on purpose" ~ Dolly PartonI Agree!! It's often The Most Beautiful People Who Are The Most Insecure Inside. You Can't Change Your Emotions At Will, Stephie. You Are only Human, And We Love You For That. |
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Post by Graveyard Goddess on Sept 21, 2005 20:16:17 GMT -5
Today it has made me weary of meeting new ppl face to face, cause i'm all about what ppl think of me, i'm working on this too. Before going out on the town, I will take forever getting ready because i'm always thinking what everyone else will think of me if I dress a certain way. *nods vigiorously* We have a lot in common Stephie, in this department anyway!! LOL[/quote] phones scare me, people scare me, people with loud voices, people that have intense energies (like my mom...everything she says is in a tone of voice like I did something wrong) I cant even breathe without worrying if my tummy sticking out. I spend my school days alone becuase id rather feel lost and alone by myself then in a crowd of people. I am ugly inside. I am sad and ugly. I just wish I could at least cover it up on the outside. Thank you guys so much for all this...it means a lot it relly does. <3 to all^^^ |
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